WARNING: this will come off as sexist, but that is only due to the fact that 'The Bro Code" is, too. Ipso facto: they cancel each other out and there is no sexism at all!
This is in response to Barnabas Stinson's "The Bro Code"
IMPORTANT NOTE: all asterisks will be defined at the bottom; every time you see an asterisk (*) i highly suggest quickly going down to the bottom of the document to see what the asterisk is for before you continue reading.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x...
-Article 1:
-Chicks before dicks. The bond between two women is more stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, women are more willing and able to commit than men. Unfortunate for our love lives, but true.
-Article 2:
-A Chick is always entitled to do something wild, as long as the rest of her Side-Chicks* are all doing it. For example: partaking in "WOOO!"-ing. The license to be wild is why we have Side-Chicks in the first place.
-Article 3:
-A Chick never divulges the existence of the Chick Code to a man. It is a sacred document not to be shared with guys for any reason...no, not ever that reason. Note: if you a man reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain this much math. Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is-a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.** Oh, and have you been working out?
-Article 4:
-Whether she cares about shopping/shoes/clothes/makeup/etc or not, a Chick cares about [the aforementioned].
-Article 5:
-A Chick shall not stare inappropriately if she and other Chicks must get naked in front of one another in a locker room. You may gossip, joke around, and many other fun activities but never should you stare at another Chick's breasts, "No-No Square", and/or bum.
-Article 6:
-A Chick never admits that she's PMSing to a guy, not even when she is PMSing.
-Article 7: A Chick always sends greeting cards (even if she doesn't really want to). While some Chicks may not enjoy sending greeting cards, the respectable thing to do is to send one, whether it be a "Thank You" Note, a "Get Well Soon" Card, a Birthday Card, a "Congratulations" Card, a Holiday Card, or a "Thinking of You" Note.
-Article 8:
-Should a Chick be critically injured, her Side-Chicks are to never make jokes about it, unless the hurt Chick does first.
-Article 9:
-A Chick will drop whatever she's doing and rush to help her Side-Chick when and if she gets dumped. Things required to ensure maximum comfort for your dumped Side-Chick: a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug, things to break, tissues, chocolate, alcohol, chick flicks, angry chick music, popcorn, mani/pedi kit, facial kit, and words aimed to describe what a douche what's-his-face was.
-Article 10:
-A Chick always asks for a guy's help when moving. For more effective results (aka getting a reluctant guy friend to move your massive couch and queen sized bed) butter him up about how strong and able and manly he is. For even more effective results, it is acceptable to slut it up a little or "involuntarily" show off your assets while buttering up. Pouting and begging in a sexual manner are also acceptable in this situation.
-Article 11:
-On dinner dates, do not eat like a pig. But do not be peckish either. And when dessert rolls around, and you're hoping for an "active" night, nonchalantly licking icing, whipped cream off your finger(s), or the underside of your utensil works most effectively.
-Article 12:
-A Chick must always help her fellow Chicks stay away from known or rumored creepers.
-Article 13:
-A Chick shall always help a Side-Chick get a guy. Should your Side-Chick be pursuing a taken guy (in a relationship, engaged, or married) you are not obligated to help her win him.
-Article 14:
-If a guy should inquire about another Chick's sexual history, a Chick shall lie and say that she doesn't know so that the Chick questioned about looks not like a whore nor a prude. Exception: should a guy inquire about another Chick's sexual history with women, a Chick shall indignantly say that the Chick questioned about has never done anything with in a sexual nature with a woman or women, regardless of whether or not she has ("I don't know" is also acceptable but not suggested). Exception to Exception: The Chick questioned about had previously told you of their sexual interactions with women and it was not a secret.
-Article 15:
-A Chick never dances stupidly nor too slutty. Exception: when a Chick is drunk or under the pretense of being drunk.
-Article 16:
-A Chick should be able, at any time, to recite the following: winner of American Idol and Project Runway; who's on the cover of Vanity Fair and Vogue; the the new hottest couple is; who the top celebrity couples are; what the latest celebrity scandals are.
-Article 17:
-A Chick shall be kind and courteous to her co-workers, unless they are beneath her on the Pyramid of Screaming***, are total jerk wads, completely incompetent, and/or inappropriate (that kind of inappropriate).
-Article 18:
-A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's brother (unless genuinely deemed okay with the Chick who has the brother). However, a Chick shall not let it bother her in any way if another Chick says, "OMG you're brother is, like, so hott!" And should a Chick's brother be interested in the Chick's friend, it is not acceptable for them to get together unless genuinely deemed okay by the Chick with the brother.
-Article 19:
-A Chick respects Chicks in the military because they've selflessly chosen to defend the nation, but more the point, because they can totally kick your ass when you comment on how camouflage print doesn't look good on them or their tragic haircut.
-Article 20:
-A Chick may share her observations about another Chick's smoking-hot boyfriend, but in no way must she say anything further to ensure that the Chick with with hot bf doesn't think that the observing Chick will attempt to steal the bf in any way, shape, or form.
-Article 21:
-Homosexual men are completely acceptable as Side-Chicks. Sometimes even better. For example, less of your Gucci's will "go missing". Unless your homosexual guy-friend cross-dresses, which is also completely acceptable.
-Article 22:
-There is no law that prohibits a straight man from being a Side-Chick or "one of the girls". He can make a wonderful wingman or, if all else fails, a backup boyfriend/hubby.
-Article 23:
-A Chick shall not sleep with another Chick's ex, unless the Chick whose ex it is does.
Article 24:
-If two Chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than stripping down and wrestling it out. See Article 38 for a description of the rules should the strip-n-wrestle situation occur.
-Article 25:
-If two Chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to "accidentally" spill a drink on the other.
-Article 26:
-A Chick doesn't let another Chick get a"tramp stamp".
-Article 27:
-A Chick never removes her clothing in public, unless at a pool, beach, or (sometimes) a concert.
-Article 28:
-A Chick will, in a timely manner, alert her Side-Chicks to the existence of a sale/clearance.
-Article 29:
-If two chicks decide to catch a movie together, they shall split a tub of popcorn to save money. However, they are not to share a drink because that would just be awkward.
-Article 30:
-A Chick comparison shops.
-Article 31:
-When on the prowl, a Chick hits the most decent seeming guy first in hopes of catching a good one.
-Article 32:
-A Chick must get married before she's forty.
-Article 33:
-When in a public restroom, a Chick (1) does not look in between the crack in stall doors, even by accident; (2) waits until the restroom is completely empty before streaking to the next stall when you find that the stall you chose has no toilet paper rather than asking anyone if they could pass her any (this also applies for when she needs to sprint to the tampon dispenser thingy); (3) taps foot impatiently and huffs a bit when there is a wait; (4) always uses soap.
-Article 34:
-Chicks never reveal where they get their toys**** when involved in lesbian intercourse or a tricycle*****.
-Article 35:
-A Chick never rents or buys porn.
-Article 36:
-When the situation arises where a Chick spies another Chick with fake breasts while with her bf, then comments on it, a Chick always has the right to read between the lines at the bf's reaction comment (aka catching him staring at her breasts-but at least give him a few brownie points if he decries the silicon masses).
-Article 37:
-A Chick always reserves the right to get miffed if her male companion does not exhibit gentlemanly conduct (i.e. not opening the door for her, not pulling out her chair for her to sit down, not offering to pay, etc.)
-Article 38:
-Even in a fight to the death, a Chick never assaults, or attempts to assault, another Chick's breasts, bum, or "No-No Square". Scratching (this includes eye-gauging) is also not acceptable, on account of the usually long and sometimes sharp nails of our gender. Hair pulling, unfortunately, is both acceptable and encouraged.
-Article 39:
-When a Chick exchanges numbers with a guy, she is allowed to contact him twice before she must honor the weird "wait three days" thing guys do.
-Article 40:
-Should a Chick get the chance to be engaged to be married, her Side-Chicks are obligated to help the betrothed out in any way the bride-to-be deems possible. And they shall also throw her a kick ass bachelorette party as one last fling.
-Article 41:
-A Chick is always allowed to cry (and if she can cry on cue, all the better).
-Article 42:
-Upon greeting another Chick, a Chick may engage in a hug, cheek kiss(es), high five, hand shake, fist bump, Bro hug, jumping up and down, booty bump, or light ass smack, but never a kiss on the lips nor grope/caress in any way. Exception: lesbians.
-Article 43:
-A Chick loves her country, especially if it's in Europe.
-Article 44:
-A Chick may never take off or move around her swim bottoms while applying sunscreen, though untying the back of her top is acceptable.
-Article 45:
-A Chick does not go to a strip club as a general rule, though it is not completely prohibited.
-Article 46:
-If a Chick is seated next to a Chick who's stuck in the middle seat on an airplane, she shall yield her all their shared armrests, unless the girl has (a) been talking absolutely nonstop; (b) is snoring; (c) makes the Chick get up more than once to use the lavatory; or (d) is really fat.
-Article 47:
-A Chick loves pink, regardless to whether or not she really does live pink.
-Article 48:
-A Chick always, when the opportunity arises, participates in a drinking game (i.e. "I Never"/"Never Have I Ever", etc.) or risky party game (i.e. Truth or Dare, Seven Minutes in Heaven, Would You Rather, Spin the Bottle, etc).
-Article 49:
-When asked, "Do you need some help?" by a super hot guy, a Chick always replies yes, whether or not she's really got it.
-Article 50:
-If a Chick should accidentally boob or butt brush another Chick both shall continue on like nothing had happened. If a Chick should boob or butt brush a guy on accident she shall act like nothing happened and try not to blush.
-Article 51:
-A Chick checks out another Chick's blind date and reports back, though the Chick going on the blind date is obligated to still go on the date and give the guy a chance even if the report is bad.
-Article 52:
-A Chick is required to remember her Side-Chick's birthdays and anniversaries, and children's birthdays and anniversaries.
-Article 53:
-Even in a drought, a Chick always washes her hands after every potty break, and washes her face every morning and night.
-Article 54:
-A Chick is required to go out with her mother on Mother's Day, and her Side-Chicks on Halloween, New Year's Eve, Boxing Day, Black Friday, and Desperation Day (February 13th).
-Article 55:
-A Chick is always allowed to borrow clothes from another Chick, unless said clothes are unwashed, frumpy, obsolete, ugly, and/or gross.
-Article 56:
-A Chick is required to alert another Chick if the Guy/Chick Ratio at a party falls below 1:1. However, so not to create a Chicklandia, a Chick may only alert three Side-Chicks. Chicklandia is when there is little to no men, while a Sausage Zone is when there is little to no women. The perfect range is around "for every girl there is three guys".
-Article 57:
-A Chick always reveals the score of a sporting event to a guy, if she can remember it.
-Article 58:
-A Chick always shaves, or waxes, her legs, armpits, eyebrows if they need to be, and "down there" (if the need be, then other places may be shaved/waxed as well). Exception: butch lesbians, girls too uncomfortable or sensitive, or girls who are making a statement by not doing it.
-Article 59:
-A Chick always brings a jailed Chick the necessities ("necessities" may vary in definition for each individual, so be sure to know what the jailed Chick would appreciate).
-Article 60:
-A Chick will always be respectful to others' parents, even if they're driving her insane.
-Article 61:
-A Chick will always alert the significant other of her Side-Chick's life to an upcoming anniversary, birthday, or other important events. This is to protect the feelings of her Side-Chick, because you know that the significant other she's alerted had forgotten.
-Article 62:
-In the event that two Chicks lock on to the same target, they may be somewhat petty towards the opposing chick and somewhat slutty to the target. It is important that the target be aware that there is competition for his affection, but not find out just how vicious and important the situation is. Should it happen that the target choose neither Chick, they reserve the right to blame each other and call each other bad names under their breath.
-Article 63:
-A Chick will be completely supportive of all decisions of her Side-Chick in the event of pregnancy. This includes the touchy subject of abortion, but even then a Chick must respect any and all decisions made by the preggo Chick.
-Article 64:
-In the case of a road trip, the Chick that suggested the road trip must pay for the food and a fraction of all other expenses. Bad things, like car sickness or post-Taco Bell potty breaks, and it will be blamed on the Chick who suggested the road trip. Therefor, she must pay more.
-Article 65:
-A Chick can order any type of alcoholic drink she wants. Because, unlike men, we can have both fruity drinks with umbrellas and cheap beer.
-Article 66:
-A Chick shall always participate in karaoke when the even arises, and, if she can't carry a tune, reserves the right to pretend to be drunk or get drunk.
-Article 67:
-Should you know for a fact that your Side-Chick's significant other is cheating on her, then she MUST tell her Side-Chick, even though it'll hurt her. Getting evidence first also helps.
-Article 68:
-A Chick must NEVER EVER EVER get her vagina pierced.
-Article 69:
-Duh.
-Article 70:
-A Chick will drive another Chick to the airport and, if she's available, also pick her up-both of which on time and/or early. She is expected to inquire how her trip was and her general well-being, and at least offer to help her with her luggage.
-Article 71:
-Chicks are strongest in three's and four's. Can't explain it, but so true.
-Article 72:
-A Chick always spell-checks.
-Article 73:
-When a group of Chicks are in a restaurant, each shall pay for what they ate. No time wasting bill jockeying, and is very fair.
-Article 74:
-Yellow lights are an option-either slow down and accept the red light, or speed up and get across while you can.
-Article 75:
-A Chick can always be honest to a guy about their occupation (because she knows that he'll imagine it as a sexual role play no matter what it is... unless she's a porn star, which in itself is sexual role play... so he'll probably just jizz in his pants).
-Article 76:
-A Chick reserves the right to be a bit miffed should her bf act differently toward her around his Bros, but will only confront him when the Bros have all gone away. Because Chicks are courteous.
-Article 77:
-Chicks may always snuggle, cuddle, and spoon.
-Article 78:
-A Chick shall never Jock Block****** her Side-Chick(s).
-Article 79:
-At a wedding, a Chick shall be excited about the bouquet catch, even if she isn't, for the sake of the bride.
-Article 80:
-Chicks are not dolls, toys, or play-things-hazing=NO WAY IN HELL, BI-ATCH, GET AWAY FROM ME!
-Article 81:
-A Chick always puts the toilet seat back down-we are ladies.
-Article 82:
-If two Chicks get into a heated argument over something and one says something out of line, she is expected to take it back, apologize, and make amends. Otherwise the offended Chick reserves the right to never speak to the out-of-line-Chick again.
-Article 83:
-Though it is not strictly prohibited, mixing it up romantically with a coworker is not suggested. Seeing each other all the time at work after a break up? Awkward...)
-Article 84:
-A Chick shall stop whatever she's doing and watch The Notebook if it's on TV.
-Article 85:
-If a Chick buys a new car, she is required to accessorize it immediately.
-Article 86:
-A Chick shall accessorize. Period. Nuff said. Article 69.
-Article 87:
-A Chick never questions another Chick's stated amount of shoes, calories she's eaten that day, or how many times she's dyed her hair.
-Article 88:
-If a Chick, for whatever reason, must drive another Chick's car, she may adjust the mirrors and seat position, but put it back to the way it was before giving it back. A Chick must not let anything impair her driving.
-Article 89:
-A Chick does not work in the kitchen, nor does she make/bring her man a sandwich.
-Article 90:
-A Chick always brings over a bottle of wine when inviting to an event at someone's house. Exception: under the age of 21.
-Article 91:
-Chick's don't do nicknames. They do shortened versions of their names, their middle names, or variations of their names. But Chicks. Do. Not. Do. Nicknames.
-Article 92:
-A Chick must not, under any circumstances, become like her mother.
-Article 93:
-White Chicks do not try to talk gangsta. EVER!
-Article 94:
-A Chick does not let herself get fat.
-Article 95:
-A Chick is not always obligated to alert her Side-Chicks of a mega hottie. Sometimes ya just gotta be selfish.
-Article 96:
-Chicks shall swear off men at least once a year, for the sake of feminism. Or because of douche bags.
-Article 97:
-Chicks criticise college cheerleaders, as long as they're not from their college. Exception: Personal vendetta against her school's cheerleaders, or burning hatred for all cheerleaders anywhere ever.
-Article 98:
-A Chick will call her bf "cute" or "adorable" once in front of his Bros just for fun, then promise never to do it again. (when he's around ;D)
-Article 99:
-Asking for directions, maps, GPS... it doesn't matter, okay?
-Article 100:
-When pulling up to a stoplight, a Chick shall text. Whether or not her state has make it illegal to Text-n-Drive.
-Article 101:
-If a Chick asks another Chick to keep a secret, she shall take it to her grave and beyond. Yes, this will be very difficult since the human race is a very social species and she might feel the exploding need to spill the beans or gossip, but she shan't because friends are more important than having the latest scoop. Exception: if she or anyone else is in danger.
-Article 102:
-A Chick shall take great care in selecting her outfit for any occasion.
-Article 103:
-A Chick never wears Christmas colors (red and green) when it's not Christmas time. Same goes for Halloween colors (orange and black), and Independence Day colors (red, white, and blue).
-Article 104:
-The father and/or stepfather of a Chick is always off-limits.
-Article 105:
-If a Chick is not invited to another Chick's wedding, she doesn't make a huge deal out of it, even if, let's face it, she was kind of responsible for setting up the couple and had already picked out the perfect wedding gift and everything. It's cool. No biggie. Talking discreetly behind the bride's back may work, if she truly feels the need to make a semi-big deal out of it.
-Article 106:
-Jello shots are awesome. No argument. Ever.
-Article 107:
-A Chick never lets another Chick look like trash.
-Article 108:
-If a Chick forgets another Chick's name, somehow devise a plan to learn her name without actually asking her. Though, if you need her attention immediately, shouting out "Hey!" and catching up to her and speaking in an urgent fashion but still in a 'I know you, I recognize you, wanna make friendship bracelets?' kind of way usually works fine.
-Article 109:
-When Chicks attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron (that big TV thingy) they shall wave, point, and blow kisses.
-Article 110:
-If a guy orders a Chick a drink, the Chick shall use gestures to thank him for the drink, then ask the bar tender if he knows if the drink-sender is a decent guy.
-Article 111:
-If a Chick discovers another Chick has forgotten to sign out of her email, the Chick shall respectfully sign out for her, but only after taking a quick peek at any interesting looking messages.
-Article 112:
-Should a Girl Power song come on, a Chick is expected, at the very least, to shriek about how much she loves that song.
-Article 113:
-A Chick does not date a guy for his money. Er, does not date an old guy for his money, even though the cash is quicker. Ew!
-Article 114:
-Should a Chick need to bunk at another Chick's house for an extended period of time, she is expected to help pay for food, toiletries, and any delivered movie-rentals.
-Article 115:
-If a Chick finds a "clothing optional" beach, and it's not in Europe, then it is not suggested that you attend.
-Article 116:
-A Chick loves music.
-Article 117:
-A Chick never willingly relinquishes possession of her cell phone. Should another Chick snatch it from her, then the offended Chick reserves the right to be very angry and possibly mildly harm the rude Chick in order to retrieve her cell phone.
-Article 118:
-A vegetarian Chick does not eat tofu in the company of omnivores/carnivores. It's sickening.
-Article 119:
-If a Chick owns a convertible, she is required to, during warm days/months/seasons, have the top off, let her hair loose, and sometimes wear sunglasses.
-Article 120:
-A Chick calls boys she hates by their last name, or at least says their first name with disgust. Exception: name is also a racial, ethnic, or sexist epithet, or is a homophone for a cuss word.
-Article 121:
-A Chick reserves the right to be hyper.
-Article 122:
-A Chick lets guys win half the time. Enough so that he doesn't get bitter, enough so that you'll still feel good about yourself.
-Article 123:
-When driving with a friend following, a Chick always makes sure that she is in sight of the friend.
-Article 124:
-A Chick shall always help another Chick reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with some unknown dude or continuously hitting on other women. Unless she's a lesbian, then that would be normal.
-Article 125:
-If a Chick lends another Chick a DVD, article of clothing, CD, or anything else, she shall expect to get it back and will hold it against the borrowing Chick in the occurrence of an argument.
-Article 126:
-A Chick shall not hitchhike anywhere ever.
-Article 127:
-Chicks do not fart.
-Article 128:
-When hosting, a Chick makes sure that her bf hasn't messed with anything. And if he has, then she must fix it immediately!
-Article 130:
-Getting kneed in the groin hurts Chicks, too.
-Article 131:
-A Chick reserves the right to simply walk away after the first five minutes of a date. This is the "Lemon Law" and you can find cut outs of it in the fabled "Bro Code" (see Article 132).
-Article 132:
-Yes, it's true-guys really do have their own Code, much like this document. But it is full of sexist text, and obviously the author was thinking from his crotch and not his brain. As a Chick, it is our vagina-given right to frown upon The Bro Code and those who actually live by it. [A/N: I'm sorry, I just couldn't help myself and cracked up all over the place as I wrote this. It, of course, is a lie-the Bro Code is hilarious and awesome, and Barney Stinsen is the King.]
-Article 133:
-A Chick must get a mani/pedi/facial/massage about every two months to ensure a happy and healthy internal environment.
-Article 134:
-A Chick shall seek no revenge if she passes out around her Side-Chicks and wakes up to find that they've pulled numerous pranks on her sleeping form (i.e. marker all over her face, the hot water trick, the shaving cream trick, etc).
-Article 135:
-Chicks care about the environment.
-Article 136:
-Chicks care about animals. And not in the 'Ooh I wonder which one is 'in' right now..." but in the very humane and loving and non-clothes way.
-Article 137:
-A Chick never bunks with someone else and sleeps in the nude. Exception: sex with the one(s) you're bunking with.
-Article 138:
-A Chick refrains from using too much detail when relating sexual exploits to her Side-Chicks.
-Article 139:
-If a Chick sees one of her Side-Chicks get into a fight, she attempts to rip the fighters away from each other.
-Article 140:
-Chicks are smarter than guys. It's a scientific fact.
*= Side-Chicks are the girls, the entourage, the clique, or the group.
**= Hey girls! I've put this down here because we all know boys don't pay attention to minor details. Now, all of what was written for boys to see in Article 3 was complete BS. Girls Rule!
***= an example of the Pyramid of Screaming is also found in The Bro Code, explained in Article 132.
****= sex toys
*****= a threesome (with two women and a man; if it's two men and a woman, it's called a Devil's Three-way).
******= Jock Blocking is when a girl (or homosexual man) removes the hunk from the SideChick (or other homosexual man), ruining the chance to possibly form a relationship or hook up.
